Letter to my 16-year Old Self

Hey Kid,

Oh you goof!.. you swear you are a comedian! haha I wish I could go back to you so drama free and clueless. Your biggest worries were food, acing waec and getting into uni... any uni really, You just wanted to make papa proud of you. I wish I could tell you to stop stressing so damn much. That everything would work itself out. You worry so much mama.

At 18, you would date your best friend at the time. You guys would fall out so quick and you won't care about it because so busing worrying about not getting kicked out of Engineering.You didn't care about the relationship .. U just wanted ur friend back and.. Unfortunately, that ship had sailed.

You are so funny.. So witty and smart .. Where did all that go? lol

I wish you weren't so embarrassed by your first name and would rather answer to ur 2nd least favorite name. You would learn to love this name you dislike so much and that's all u'd want to be called.

Who knew you would become this person w absolute no care in the world how ppl felt about u?.. Oh u are so tactful right now... So scared to hurt other peoples feelings.LMAO, you will quickly learn that its a cold world and you really can't expect nothing from anybody.When you don't expect shit, dont get disappointed.  You would become that person that ignored people's messages and even let them know you are ignoring them. damn B!

Your plan is to be more prayerful and closer to ur deen.. You started out so well.. Finished the Quran .. Started learning the meanings.. And then u lost ur way somehow.. I remember you couldn't sleep if you hadn't completed your salat for the day but now.. You sleep like a baby even when u are very aware that u didn't pray. Even worse mama, who knew that one day you would question God's existence? Astagfurrlah

You will go through a major hiccup in life, that will stress you out so much. Because, that's what you do, stress. You'd become a size 6 in ur early twenties.. That's like half the size u are right now, Miss size 12. hahahah

Who knew you'd grow to love this bum u are so conscious about right now? You sag ur backpack on purpose just to hide this annoying big bum. oh since we are talking about insecurities, ur legs will never become smaller, so I would start embracing them now darling.

You will fall in love in ur early twenties. Like literally fall... Coz you won't plan or see it coming... Oh you think you are careful with these matters of the heart, emotions, boys all that "stupid" stuff. In fact you'd swear it will never happen w this person.. But alas, You will just wake up one day and you are like... dang I love this nigga.. Lmao.

Brings me to this.. Stop feeling like you can control the outcome of things .. Because for the most part.. there are somethings u have no control on whatsoever.. You will be unemployed for almost two years and by unemployed I mean, u won't land the Job u think u deserve ... you know, the one you went to school for.  And if you had known this.. I'd say don't let it take away from ur happiness .. More like don't let it be the centre of your happiness .. Depression and unhappiness is a choice mama... And I wish you did not choose it at some point in your life.

Now you know better. You know better than to settle especially when it comes to men. You keep a small circle because that's what u can control. I'm proud of the woman you are becoming I just wish you would stop doubting yourself ever so often and just do it.

I like how you've realized that failing is inevitable and it's just how u handle it that matters. Happiness is a choice and please choose happiness over anything always!
All day every day.. Your happiness should never be compromised. Aka if something is making u feel even slightly unhappy.. Check it.. Toss it.. Remove it.. Do whatever you need to. There is no price on genuine happiness. You are bae abeg!

Love always,

Older & Much Wiser S

WHAT I LEARNT IN 2013

I would say 2013 was an absolute struggle year for me... mainly because I was trying so hard to find stability and I felt like my life was completely up side down... like I had no idea wth was going on with me... I spent the earlier part of the year constantly crying.. I became a wimp and just cut off from everyone...

You see, pretty good things also happened that year but no I only focused on the "bad" things.. I legit lost myself... I did not know wth I was anymore... I had no care in the world.. and everyone was dispensable..  I was unapologetic and excuse my french, but I really did not give a fck


Oh well.. Here's a list of what I learnt

Gotta love yourself.. and look out for yourself... It is ok to be selfish... no one can love you as much you love you

Dont you ever compromise your standards... for anything or anyone

Dont put mad people on pedestals.. yeah if you can, dont put no one there...

Dont go chasing waterfalls

When someone shows you who they are .. believe them.. dont even try to make up excuses and shit

Be a consistent human being

Be close to God

Liveeeeeee... worrying doesn't solve shit... Yeah babe do what you like and makes you happy

There is no point arguing or trying to explain something to someone that wont and cant get it.. be quiet.. don't waste your strength

Count your blessings and you'd be surprised how far you've come

Listening to good music actually makes me happy

I learnt how to be happy by my damn self...

I learnt that sometimes, you might work really hard and still not get positive results.. doesnt make you a damn failure... just keep at it. or try it another way

Figure out what's really important to you ... you know the things that really matter.... dont take them for granted

Family is everything you got.. everyone else sadly is only temporary ... "They say people are in your life for seasons and everything that happens is for a reason"

Knowing when to let go and walk away is skill you will constantly need in life

When all fails and you don't know what else to do... sleep
.. Still so much.. Finish this later

FORGIVENESS...

Forgiveness... It is so easy to say you've say you have forgiven something or to believe you have forgiven a situation until you are put in a certain situation or something reminds you of the situation.. then you figure you still loathe a certain person or thing. You just were very good at suppressing this feeling. A lot of times we genuinely think we have forgiven or convince ourselves that we have... but most times we really have not.

"Forgiveness is the intention and voluntary process where a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."

Ok so with this definition, you can see that its hard and easy to believe you have forgiven when you fill any of these criterium for forgiveness.  Increased ability to wish an offender well.. increased guys! that's deep!

Four years ago, forgiveness was like my biggest flaw/challenge, I honestly did not know how to mend a relationship after a felt betrayed or hurt. The funny thing is the pettiest things ticked me off, things other people will consider a big deal did not even move me... I was not offended by them.  It was way easier to write someone off than try to mend the relationship or even talk about whatever.... like the person just becomes dead to me... almost literally. See don't get me wrong, I am not a heartless bitch.. or at least that's what I like to believe. But you see, sometimes it too much hard work trying to fix a broken relationship... I am a lazy bish and quite frankly ain't nobody got time for that...


Over the years, I have learnt that's really not how to live. People you love will mess up... heck you too will mess up.. you are human... now this doesn't mean you should give up on them. Honestly, being resentful or holding a grudge eats you up.. like it is the most unnecessary shit ever.. Like why let something or someone live in your head rent free.. it makes no damn sense!


Forgiveness is liberating and no matter how hard it is... it is totally worth it. You sleep well at night.. imagine if you lived without any grudge towards anyone.. Your life will be awesome. I know it is easier said than done but it is doable and if you are constantly aware and trying to attain maximum forgiveness.. that's good enough.


I am tired.. Will finish this post later


Ok I am back... three days after


I have found that I am not forgiving or not as forgiving as I will like to be.. I feel like its not even up to me... I really and genuinely want to forgive but I cant.... I hold some kind of animosity towards some ppl... even though I don't want to.... I want to forget whatever but I cant.. And because I cant forget what they did... thats all I see... regardless of how nice they try to be to me after... I cant see past it and cant hide how I feel... Always so cold... involuntarily cold towards them..


That's horrible... and I dont like feeling like that.. the point when someone has the power to upset u.. its like you are giving them power over ur emotions.. and you have no control

I have learnt that I feel upset or hurt because I expect too much from people.. I put mad people on pedestals and when they fall short of it I get really disappointed

Sooo yah the question is why are you putting mad people on pedestals???.. or even better.... why are you putting anyone there... everyone is prone to do some shit.. and quite frankly that's okay when kinda expect it.. No one owes anyone anything.. it's a dog eat dog world and to be honest you have probably hurt people too... even without having the slightest clue


What I am saying pretty much is... No one can upset you unless you let them.. the you should see it is... they have done absolutely nothing to you... you just made a bad judgement or they did or whatever... but you should never take these things personally.. I mean, nothing in this life is ever that serious..

 Live and let live.. let go of unnecessary shit and just do you booo!


xo


S

Note to Self...

Dear Self,

If you keep going backwards with the same people that God has intentionally removed from your life, you will continue to stay stuck. There is NO joy in being confused and unhappy. Get rid of old habits and leave them where they belong. What is meant for you will be yours. Learn to let go. Dysfunction is NOT love. There is a huge difference between being content and complacent, know the difference.

Sincerely,

S

*inspired by a random post on instagram