FORGIVENESS...

Forgiveness... It is so easy to say you've say you have forgiven something or to believe you have forgiven a situation until you are put in a certain situation or something reminds you of the situation.. then you figure you still loathe a certain person or thing. You just were very good at suppressing this feeling. A lot of times we genuinely think we have forgiven or convince ourselves that we have... but most times we really have not.

"Forgiveness is the intention and voluntary process where a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge, with an increased ability to wish the offender well."

Ok so with this definition, you can see that its hard and easy to believe you have forgiven when you fill any of these criterium for forgiveness.  Increased ability to wish an offender well.. increased guys! that's deep!

Four years ago, forgiveness was like my biggest flaw/challenge, I honestly did not know how to mend a relationship after a felt betrayed or hurt. The funny thing is the pettiest things ticked me off, things other people will consider a big deal did not even move me... I was not offended by them.  It was way easier to write someone off than try to mend the relationship or even talk about whatever.... like the person just becomes dead to me... almost literally. See don't get me wrong, I am not a heartless bitch.. or at least that's what I like to believe. But you see, sometimes it too much hard work trying to fix a broken relationship... I am a lazy bish and quite frankly ain't nobody got time for that...


Over the years, I have learnt that's really not how to live. People you love will mess up... heck you too will mess up.. you are human... now this doesn't mean you should give up on them. Honestly, being resentful or holding a grudge eats you up.. like it is the most unnecessary shit ever.. Like why let something or someone live in your head rent free.. it makes no damn sense!


Forgiveness is liberating and no matter how hard it is... it is totally worth it. You sleep well at night.. imagine if you lived without any grudge towards anyone.. Your life will be awesome. I know it is easier said than done but it is doable and if you are constantly aware and trying to attain maximum forgiveness.. that's good enough.


I am tired.. Will finish this post later


Ok I am back... three days after


I have found that I am not forgiving or not as forgiving as I will like to be.. I feel like its not even up to me... I really and genuinely want to forgive but I cant.... I hold some kind of animosity towards some ppl... even though I don't want to.... I want to forget whatever but I cant.. And because I cant forget what they did... thats all I see... regardless of how nice they try to be to me after... I cant see past it and cant hide how I feel... Always so cold... involuntarily cold towards them..


That's horrible... and I dont like feeling like that.. the point when someone has the power to upset u.. its like you are giving them power over ur emotions.. and you have no control

I have learnt that I feel upset or hurt because I expect too much from people.. I put mad people on pedestals and when they fall short of it I get really disappointed

Sooo yah the question is why are you putting mad people on pedestals???.. or even better.... why are you putting anyone there... everyone is prone to do some shit.. and quite frankly that's okay when kinda expect it.. No one owes anyone anything.. it's a dog eat dog world and to be honest you have probably hurt people too... even without having the slightest clue


What I am saying pretty much is... No one can upset you unless you let them.. the you should see it is... they have done absolutely nothing to you... you just made a bad judgement or they did or whatever... but you should never take these things personally.. I mean, nothing in this life is ever that serious..

 Live and let live.. let go of unnecessary shit and just do you booo!


xo


S

Note to Self...

Dear Self,

If you keep going backwards with the same people that God has intentionally removed from your life, you will continue to stay stuck. There is NO joy in being confused and unhappy. Get rid of old habits and leave them where they belong. What is meant for you will be yours. Learn to let go. Dysfunction is NOT love. There is a huge difference between being content and complacent, know the difference.

Sincerely,

S

*inspired by a random post on instagram

Dear Self,

Dear S,

Ok it's like this...

U have two options...

Play the victim or take responsibility for whatever happened and move on

Fck, it's like u enjoy this pity party

Where u can sit, cry all day and whine how nobody wants or care about ur ass

The real question is... Is this even a fair statement?

Even God will be so confused by this.

Listen, just listen... U are the one that has chosen to alienate urself from everyone

U are the one that has chosen to be by urself and push every one away... Oh so rudely too

Missy... U are the one that has made one person the centre of your existence ... The reason why u are happy or sad is this one person

Dude... You have chosen to give up on everyone and everything coz that's the easiest thing to do.. The easy way out is what you've chosen my dear

How do u expect different results if u don't change ur approach and try something different

Not to be harsh or hard on you but I think you are weaker than u actually realize 

Like freaking snap out of this... It is not serious ... Nothing in this life is ever that deep.

If you are willing to negotiate your standards ... Well girl, I'm sorry you have no standard.

I'm tired ... I'm tired of your pity party .. I am sick and tired wallah

Grow the fck up

Nobody owes u anything

The world doesn't owe u nothing.... You have to find your own.. Dog eat dog world... That's the reality

You need to re-evaluate your standards and stick to them..  Right now I feel like you are floating ... Just winging it... Waiting for things to happen to you.. Not taking any damn thing serious.. You can't live life like this ... You can't coast through life... If you keep waiting... Nothing will happen ... U gotta go get whatever u want by urself Hun

Please please please I beg you...  Remember what's really important to u... And don't take it for granted

Life is too damn short to be unhappy or to push people that genuinely care about you away.

And it is a two way street... U should show them too... Be happy...  Don't compare urself to nobody... Don't mistake contentment for being complacent.. Two completely different things

Be open minded... Make Allah ur best friend... I know it's hard but try ... That's the only person that will not fail you in this world Wallah.. Pray about everything... Talk to him about everything ... Faith is something I feel u are lacking right now... I'd need u to get it back.

You are going to be 24 soon... Alhamdulilah .. Please grow up ... Grow up.... Grow up! I love you... I honestly do... But sometimes you let me down... And it hurts .. I just need you to be strong for yourself... Thank you! I love you and your perfect imperfections.. Oh wait... I said that already

Love Always,

S

2012 in a Nut Shell

Oh Lawd I haven't blogged all year.. so much to say


2012 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride for me so much ups and downs, laughs and tears, And it's finally done one more day till this very interesting year is over.  Where do I even start?

I graduated Uni...... Finally got the Ring!
Packed my bags one day and moved to a city where I knew absolutely no one
I met a boy
I had two people propose to me... no rings were in involved in either tho o.O lool
I lost and gained some friendships
I lost myself at some point
I lost weight! yay? But I lost my ass too :(



Like I said it has been a very interesting year so far.  I'm still on still thankful to the Almighty for keeping me and my loved ones this far and hopefully 2013 is a even better year for all of us. I'd just talk about the major highlights in details.


Graduated University!

OMG! Best day of my life so far was when I finished my very last exam.... I almost had a freaking heart attack.. Myself and my crew were running around and screaming like mad dogs on campus. I did not give a fcuk coz hey it was my freaking last semester.  I honestly could care less.  Four and a half years of constant struggle was finally over, no more late nights at site, no more back to back midterms and staying up all night just to end up getting some ridiculous mediocre grades?? Oh Lawd I was super stoked that the madness was over and I was officially an Engineer... whoop whoop.




The Big Move to C!

I knew I was going to leave Ottawa when I was done but what I didn't know for sure was when and where? I mean, I was already done with Ottawa more like Ottawa was done with me.  I randomly on a fateful day got a call from my friend in C that told me about this career fair holding in a week. That was when I decided to buy a one way ticket to move down here. The idea of leaving my life and all the certainty I know in Ot was scary as fcuk but I felt it in my gut that it was a right move so I moved anyway. Need I remind you that I did not know anyone in this city, stayed with a friend's friend for a bit.. very humbling experience if you ask me. I've lived here for almost 6 months now and I really like it here. bigger city.. better opportunities... better people... better people? did i just say better people? uhmm I take that back... One thing I have learnt is that people never mean half of what they say and it is best to disregard their words and  judge them only by their actions. And even at that, some people are very good actors/actresses... lmao ... no hope mate!

Anywayyyy... It has been really nice here all in all.. no regrets whatsoever, just still haven't landed the big fish I came here for in the first place which is a good engineering JOB. Ya Rabbi, it has been six months and still nothing. I know it is coming soon.. real soon.. I feel it.




I met a boy!

Yes people I met a boy and got with the boy for all the wrong reasons. I knew from the get go that I was  setting myself up for disaster but I still decided to get in it coz hey! Life is too short to be playing safe all the gotdamn time! The boy seemed really nice and sweet and genuine in the beginning.. you know in the honeymoon phase? Everything was all rosy and I even started to reconsider the fact that I know I can't be with this lad long term. Looking back now...... you know what.. nvm.. It is done now and I have moved on from that

We "Settling" now??

"Most of you will never fall in love and will marry out of fear of dying alone" I saw this on twitter and it got me thinking.. and even a little scared...

I've never been in LOVE before... I'm guilty of using the L-word carelessly... mainly out of pressure cause maybe the guy says they love you and u feel the need to return the favor.... but honestly, I'm pretty sure, no scratch that, I'm 100% sure I've never been in love!..

You know the kind of love that Shakespeare would describe, the I-can't-live-without-you kinda love (hey I mean that literarily!)..  Love is much more than butterflies in your tummy and all that temporary feelings.. Love's DEEP!!!

Honestly, the reason why I haven't been in a really serious relationship is because... I am  TEAM "Say no to Settling"... I feel like there is no point getting into something if that *spark* is not there from the get go...

One of my biggest fear is getting married to someone in the hope that I'd learn to fall in love w the person.. or just because I want to fit into the society...

I really want to know what it feels like to actually be in Love w someone....  me I don't want to settle!!!... Habibi, please where the hell are you?!?!?!.. lol

xoxo

The Little Things....

So I saw this random tumblr link when I was reading one of my favorite blogs...  On that tumblr page,  people just put up the little random things that make them go awww, or smile... pretty much random things that make you  HAPPY...

Here are some of those things that relate to me:

• Re-reading Conversations.... (I always do that!!!)

• Logging onto FaceBook on your birthday.. :D

• Free stuff!!!!.... (This goes without saying )

• Peeling dried off glue!!!.. (Thought I'd have outgrown this habit)

• Having deep conversations w people

• When someone tells you that you smell nice

• When  the deadline of  project is extended!!!!....... (Have you met "Ms P"?... yh, that would be me!!!)

• When that your very random wish becomes reality

• Looking at old year books and photographs

• Seedless grapes.. (so random but it's so much less stressful)

• Drinking cold water when you're really thirsty.. (it tastes so good then)

• Turning on the TV just in time for your favorite show ^_^

• Dresses with pockets

• Taking your bra off at the end of the day

• Waking up and realizing you have more time to sleep *whoop*

• Getting new school supplies!!.. hahaha (Need I remind you of my Nerdy status?)

• Having breakfast for dinner.. (I'm not a morning person so I always enjoy my cereal at night)

• The cold side of a pillow!

• The smell after it rains... (there is something serene about it)

• Looking through your school work from when you were young

• Fresh baked bread... #yum

• Cute sneezes

• Someone telling just you a secret

• Changing into sweatpants/ pjs at the end of the day.... (Jeans are so uncomfortable... uggghh

• Discovering a song and instantly loving it

• Being Able to Fall asleep right away

• Feeling confident when turning an exam

• Finally remembering the word you had on the tip of your tongue

• The feeling of relief after finding something you thought you lost 

• Rapping an entire part of a song perfectly ... (SMH Vanity!!!)

• Seeing bus drivers wave to each other! .. (I thought this was just me.. lol)

• Feeling accomplished at the end of the day

• Finding out someone likes you( well someone I like back or could possibly like back :/ )

• The first bite of food when you're really hungry!.. (That's when it's the sweetest)

• Waking up and realizing your bad dream wasn't real... *whew*

• The fresh feeling after brushing your teeth

• When your favorite favorite part of a song comes up

Say No to Constant Rants!

Hmmppphh.. .. I was thinking to go in with the usual rants about my life and the other baggages that come with it.. then I figured why not do the opposite and blog about happy things I mean, this is could also be an avenue to air out good stuff yah?

Of course with my Nerdy status..  u know the good stuff I'd obviously start off with is my grades this semester :P
This semester was awesome!.. *Thx God* my prediction is 3As and a B (FACK FACK FACKIDI FACK!) I'm still so mad about that B.. could have done so much better..
since we talking about the good stuff I left out the one I barely passed of which I'd retake this summer just for a better grade ;) #NerdThings


Moving on... Summer started super slooowwwwwww for me.. In fact it still hasn't kicked off.. the hell?? I  want a good JOB!!.. arggggghhhhh Not even a single interview??.. what is wrong with them?? they mad??.. coz the problem is definitely not with me or my well put together resume.. they better recognize! Freaking, its already the 7th of May.. and no Pay cheque.. like how am I supposed to shop AKA be happy?.. this people be messing with me!!!

Oh woow breath Girl, we said no rants on this post and it's just the second paragraph and we already at it... *inhales*exahales*inhales*exhales*

So a little birdie told me it's Mothers' day today again?.. I feel like I already sent my Mums like two "Happy Mothers' Day" texts this year... no thanks to all 'em twitter ppl for all the confusion... *side eye*

 Another thing to be the thankful about is my Mum.. she's almost puurfect! (yh I use "almost" coz I'm old enough to know it's impossible to be perfect, you can only try) Love you so much ma!!!!!

You know, as you grow older you begin to see why your ma said to or not to do a certain thing....  you realize it has always been for your own good and it came from a very good place..  Sometimes, it scares me that I just might not be able to keep up with the standards she set.. but then again who knows? I may be even better!!!

Thought to use this post to say a big Thank you for everything.. for the laughs, the tears, the unconditional love, for understanding me, not being judgmental, good parenting, selflessness... I actually can go on and on... oh and not forgetting the occasional spanks too..... *sigh*